Experiencing Grief

I wrote another post called Healing from Grief whilst thinking about what grief is, how it impacts us, and tips for healing, but this post is more personal - sharing examples of grief I've experienced and reflecting on the life impact of these losses.

Loss of Loved Ones

The death of a loved one is one of the deepest experiences of grief I've felt. It may be a normal part of life but I don't think there is anything easy about losing people that matter to us, particularly if we feel their lives were cut short.

Being in my 50's I've experienced quite a lot of loss now. My father and grandfathers died within 18 months of each other when I was in high-school, my 3 uncles died in their 50's, my grandmothers died within a couple of years of each other, and in December 2023 my stepfather and youngest brother died within 2 weeks of each other at the same time I was diagnosed with cancer.

All of these losses were heartbreaking in many ways and I miss all of them very much. They were all beautiful souls and each passing is the end of an era, the end of life as we knew it before, a realisation that there will be no more conversations and shared memories, at least not in the same way.

The deepest and most profound loss was the first I remember, which was the loss of my father. It was 3 days before Christmas, a week before my 14th birthday and he was only 38 years old. It was a massive heart attack and there was no warning. That changed my world in every way. My sense of safety and security in the world was shattered and the impact of that loss on our family was indescribable. The hurt has lessened but never disappeared.

The closest to that level of shock and grief I've experienced was when just over a year ago. My stepdad passed away on the 17th December, I was diagnosed with breast cancer on the 18th December, and within 2 weeks my brother who was only 42 died on my birthday. Being older it is a little easier to understand and process losses like these, but the sadness of knowing all opportunities to do more together are lost is still hard to navigate.

Loss of Health and Identity

Getting a shock cancer diagnosis has led to some of the deepest grief I've felt outside the loss of loved ones. The sadness, fear and uncertainty can feel oppressive, and the challenge of surviving treatment can feel impossible.

As I did one thing after another that I thought I couldn't do but based on medical advice felt I must, each step felt like progress but in a way that left me increasingly shattered on the inside.

Losing my hair and my breasts literally felt like everything about who I was and how I felt about myself was being ripped away, and I struggled to imagine ever feeling whole and happy again. I am still early in the recovery process and I'm working on strategies to improve my health, fitness, and wellbeing.

Other Grief

I've experienced grief over relationship losses, particularly linked to the loss of what I'd hoped might happen (my hopes and dreams), and later the realisation that the doors of time and opportunity to possibly have a family of my own had closed. I've also experienced a version of grief linked to career losses and uncertainty.

Lessons

Experiencing grief is hard. Part of me wants to run from grief, but I'd also rather do my best to be someone that risks love and holds out hope for a brighter future, even when it can sometimes feel like the darkness will never end.

Some of the lessons that I've learned and need to remind myself of regularly are:

1. Make the most of today - none of us knows what the future holds,

2. Spend quality time with the people you care about & that care about you,

3. We're most likely to regret what we didn't do, so follow your dreams, take more chances, and have more fun.

   
   

Healing

I believe healing from grief is a process that takes time, and we need to be very compassionate and patient with ourselves in the healing process. After a massive loss it can feel like the world has stopped and we can't imagine a way forward.

I am still working through a lot of things personally and I'm very fortunate to have wonderful support, so the things I'm focused on to help my healing include:

1. Exploring ways to improve my overall wellbeing,

2. Improving what I eat, how I sleep, and prioritising self-care,

3. Experimenting with activities to nurture my creativity and help me to relax,

4. Spending time with family, friends, and Bella (my beautiful cat),

5. Travelling and spending time in nature as much as possible, as that is where I feel the most joy and freedom.

#healingfromgrief #grief #experiencinggrief